I'm drowning without your love

One episode in my life.......

It was like hearing the sound of thunder when my mom told me that Sarah just passed away.

I lost my balance. I sat on the floor. Speechless. I cried in silence.

"Aunt Anne, can I see Sarah closer?"

She opened the cloth covering Sarah' s face. I saw her face smiling like she was just sleeping.

Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned and Sarah' s sister gave me a book. A diary.

"I have no rights to read this," I said quietly.

"You are the one that she mentioned on her diary, so it's yours."

In my room, I opened Sarah' s diary and suddenly an envelope fell from it. It's a letter.

My dearest..........

The wind is blowing

I close my eyes

Imagining one day we will be in love

I never stop thinking of you

So many wishes in my heart

Wanna hold you in my arms

Wanna see love blossoming in our heart

Wanna hear two hearts beating together

You have my promise

I choose to wait in eternity

My heart is never changing

I will never let you go

Even if I won't have a change to say "I love you"

Even though it's painful

I won't leave

I'll face it with smile

I've never thought that's what Sarah felt bout me. She gave wholehearted love for me. And I was too cowardly to admit that I care bout her, I love her.

Love is always beautiful and I am not gonna lie to myself anymore cause Sarah was the most beautiful story in my life. Even though I have to move on, she's gonna be there, always in my heart.

"Sometimes people only realize what they had after they lose it, so hold onto what you have and never let it go." ~ quotes from the notebook on twitter.

I thought this love would never end

Days changed

But my heart remains still

Always drawn to you

I've never got bored waiting

Waiting to be loved

But I'm just the wind that blew over you

Always invisible to you

Sometimes weary I told me to give up

Stop doing something in vain

But I could not do it

Cause all about you kept on stalking me

Like a shadow under my feet

How could I burn up all of my longings

They had been settled here in my heart

I kept waiting for an answer

But you kept being silent

You made me waiting longer

Like an endless road

Without any lights

I lost in a place of nowhere

Cause you never found me

I will never let you part, for you are always in my heart

"Can you come closer, hun? I wanna tell you something ....., " She said wheezing.

I embraced her, so she can talk close to my ear. I can smell the scent of drugs fr her breath.

"I love you....." She kissed me with her dry lips. She traced my face. I can see tears on her eyelids.

"Why are you crying, my love?"

"I'm just happy cause you are still here with me....."

I held her hand. " You should rest now, hun..... but promise me one thing, wake up for me tomorrow."

Hardly breathing, she smiled n closed her eyes.

I woke up this morning, still holding her hand. But her hand was colder, more colder than yesterday. I used to hold her hands and I could feel happiness fill my heart. Now, its just so painful.

Like A Castle built Upon A Sandy Beach

Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower that Is Just Beyond Your Reach

Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight

Here One Day, gone One Night (MJ)

She's gone.....

All my enthusiasm and happiness went along with her . How am I gonna cope with it? I cant see her face n smile again. I cant hear her voice again. Another chapter of my life is gone with so much pain.

I closed my eyes. I felt mentally tired.....

In my dream, I hear her whispering in my ear, "I love you. I will always love you. Please don't cry for me hun. One thing that you have to do is have a better life and be happy even without me. You will live with all the prayers that I'm gonna send through all the little angels. I'd love to see you smile again on your birthday. I'd love to see you get married someday in the church. I'd love to hear the laughter of your children. I'd love to see your hair turn white. I wont miss anything in your life, all your laughter, all your tears cause I will always there deep down in your heart. Be happy for me, my love......"

In your darkest hour

In your deepest despair

I will still care, I will be there

In your trials and your tribulations

Through your doubts and frustrations

In your violence

In your turbulence

Through your fear and your confessions

In your anguish and your pain

Through your joy and your sorrow

In the promise of another tomorrow

I'll never let you part

For you're always in my heart. (MJ)

I awoke from my beautiful dream. She was right indeed. I may shed a tear today for the love that I can not have. But have faith, for tomorrow another love will wait for me just around the bend. But wherever the road may lead me, I know it is a journey that worth to travel.

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by...

If you smile

Through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile...(MJ)

You've captured my heart cause your love shines right through me

"C'mon man, who are you staring at?"

I gasped. My best friend was standing next to me. We've been friends since we were in junior high school.

"Ssshhh!!! Don't say it out loud." My eyes glanced at Talya and glared at Daren.

One thing, He knows what I feel for Talya.

"It won't change anything if u only staring at her. Move on buddy!!!"

"Hhmm........."

"I'm just wondering what's so special about Talya anyway? Still a lot of girls are chasing you, they are more beautiful than her." Daren Laughed at me.

And I can't answer his question cause I myself can't find the answer either.....

You don't run with the crowd

You go your own way

You don't play after dark

You light up my day

Got your own kind of style

That sets you apart

Baby, that's why you captured my heart

Farewell party at school. I came alone. I was stunned. Talya was laughing with her friends in the corner. I walked toward her and smiled. I stopped in front of her and I felt my heart beat ten times faster.

"Would you like to have this dance?" I said hopefully.

"Hhhmmm yyeeaahh," She said sputtered.

I reached her hand until she fell into my arms. I hugged her as tight as I could as I do not want to let go. Does she know that I love her?

I know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in

And this world doesn't know what you have within

When I look at you, I see something rare

A rose that can grow anywhere

And there's no one I know that can compare

Three months later.....

I've never thought forgetting her is the hardest thing to do. Her face keeps appearing in my mind. She left a small hole in my heart and the hole is getting bigger cause I miss her everyday.

I just walked out of my English course when I saw her again there, sitting on the bench. Still the same Talya with her round glasses, long hair, t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. I was so stunned, I didn't watch my steps and hit one big trash can in front of me. That's so embarrassing.

"Are you okay? Oh my........It's you, Kane!!!" She screamed.

What makes you different, makes you beautiful

What's there inside you, shines through to me

In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need

You're all I need, oh girl

What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me

Days passed and I can't wait any longer.

"I need your help, hurry up!!!"

"What?"

"I just need your opinion about this cake."

"What's the cake for? I s it your birthday?"

"Nope. It's for a girl. I'm planning to woo her tonight."

"Whoah!!! Who's the lucky girl?"

"Just open the cake! What do you think?"

She looked very surprised. She could see there's a writing on the cake with chocolate cream....."Talya, would you be my girl?"

You got something so real

You touched me so deep

You see material things

Don't matter to me

So come as you are

You've got nothing to prove

You've won me with all that you do

And I wanna take this chance to say to you

She whispered in my ear, "I love you too, Kane. I always wanna be here for you, in your laugh and tears"

I was speechless. I pulled her in my arms. We danced. We kept dancing. All that we can feel is happiness like today is the endless day ever.

You don't know how you touched my life

Oh in so many ways I just can't describe

You taught me what love is supposed to be

It's all the little things that make you beautiful to me

Now, I knew that I wasn't dreaming at all. I was sitting here on the riverbank with her, looked at the sunset.

"I, Kane, I will always love you no matter what."

She put her arms around my neck n said, "Don't ever steal, cheat and lie. If you had to steal then steal my heart. If you had to cheat then cheat death cause I can't live a day without you. If you had to lie then lie beside me all night."

I sealed her lips with mine. The best kiss that I've ever had in my life.

What makes you different, makes you beautiful

What's there inside you, shines through to me

In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need

You're all I need, oh girl

What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me

Lyrics From BSB

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.....

I know from the first moment I saw you

My heart keeps on thinking about you

Every second, every minute

Where are you? What are you doing now?

From the moment I open my eyes

I only wanna see you and you again

I can't go on one day without you

I think I'm gonna be crazy

I don't know when you start to be in my heart

You caught me without me realizing it

I thought it's just a dream

Since when did I become this way?

I wonder if you know the way I feel for you

I wanna run to where you are

Say it out loud that I love you

Let the whole world knows it

Imagining if you were mine

Whispering and holding hands together

Singing our love like a song

Filling your dreams with the sweetest memories

There's nothing I want more

Will you tell me how you feel about me

I wanna know your heart

Cause I only love one person and it's you

Even though it's only gonna be the futility

I wanna keep waiting for you

Hoping that one day you'll say "I Love you"

Only loving me, only two of us

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"

Even though our friendship is just in virtual world, we should be able to keep our image. Virtual world is not only can expand your access but also can narrow your movement space. We can meet anyone and we can be anyone so be aware is necessary and knowing the character of your friends here is a must.....

COZY

If you wanna be in cozy category, you should be a great friend, honest and comfortable to talk with. Good looking is an extra bonus point for you hahaha..... You have extensive knowledge and a good environment so u can talk about anything. You have a great education or work. You are not narrow-minded and not easily make others feel annoyed.

FUN

If your cozy friends are not online then friends in fun category can be friends to kill your boredom. You don't have to be good looking but you should be comfortable to talk with.

SILLY

You really can make your friends wanna kick your ass hahaha.....But if all your cozy n fun friends are offline, even though is so irritating, they can be your last bumper.

Do you guys agree with that??? Well, I took it from "Cyber love adventure" book, they wrote it based on the experiences of cyber addicts. If i asked you guys who I've been tagged in this note to determine what kind of friend I am in your eyes ..... please choose one of this :

1. Cozy

2. Cozy to silly

3. Fun

4. Fun to silly

5. Silly

After all ..... I am happy to meet u all even its only in virtual world, no matter what..... friendship always can enrich our life because in friendship we will share laughter and tears together.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.

Walk beside me and be my friend."

- Albert Camus

Another moon, another sun, I want you even in my dreams

I don't really know who I am in your eyes

What's my place in your heart

You've never said it clearly

You just let our affection dangle in the mist

Love drowned us in the sea of confusion

Sometimes its so close and sometimes it feels so far away

It let us chase each other

And still you didn't say any words at the end of the journey

So I took a step forward

even though tears streaming down my cheeks

I keep walking n not turning back

Hoping that someday you will find me

It's not just a wish

Because I still believe

That you have the same wish too

I do understand you more than anyone else

I swear a thousand times

I will keep waiting for you

Because all of miraculous memories of you

Keep popping into my mind

In my dreams I have been searching for you for so long

Hoping someday it will come true

I truly believe that in your silent you do love me

You will find me and hold my hand

"Oh pretty baby, I can't take my eyes off of you"

Everyone knows me as a friendly one who ready to help anyone. But in fact, I do that so everyone will like me and want to be my friend. No one knows that I don't like acting so nice and sweet to please everyone. And I have a diary where I can express anything without thinking what other people is gonna say about me. Maybe the only one who really knows me is Mamoru. But he left me, he's gone from my life. I am not expecting to see him again.

Who knows that I saw him again. Suddenly my eyes fell to his fingers looking for a ring there. Phewww.....I feel relieved, there's no ring on his finger. Gosh!!! what's in my mind??? Maybe I should go to neurologist to see if there's something wrong with the function of my brain. A guy like Mamoru is out of my league. A type of guy who graces my dreams but not in my real world.

I am not pretty and I don't have supermodel body. I have never cared what other people said about my appearance, but seeing him again make me think about it. Does he still think that I am such a boring and not attractive girl at all? And I didn't realize, tears rolled down my cheeks. TANYA!!!! Focus!!!! I was so mad at myself.

He is Mamoru!!!! A guy that I am supposed to hate so much.....I tried to remember all the bad things that he's ever done to me.....But in my head full of the sweetest things that we had lately. I can't be mad at him no matter how bad he treated me. Awkward!!!! "oh.....gosh!!!! I am still in love with him," I screamed.

Forget him!!!! I gotta find a way to let him out of my memory because I have tried so many times to make him stay here with me and I lost. I am not a princess in fairytale, my life will not end up happily ever after with a prince charming. Now, I should stop dreaming anymore. I sighed.....frustrated. STUUUUUPPPIIIIDDDD!!!!!

"I know I hurt you, that's the last thing I meant to do, sometimes I can be careless and blind, can you forgive the fool that I've been?" I stunned when he said that.

"Tanya???"

"Hah???".....He gripped my hand.

"Don't touch me!!!! Let me go!!!!" I screamed.

"Tanya, stop it!" He hugged my waist. I tried to kicked him.

"Aaahhh!!! He was moaning in pain.

"You know what's funny.....I thought by hurting you I can get rid you of my mind but your little fingers can wrap so tight and I finally realized that I don't even mind at all."

"Why?"

"Because I love you ..... wanna you"

"How can you say that if you are still with another girls?!?!"

"I am sorry. I know I am dumb and childish. It won't happen again. I promise!" his voice was sealed in certainty.

I can't explain what i feel right now. I just can't believe it, I can be this happy!!!!

"I love you, Tanya," said Mamoru

"Love you too."

"I know," He showed me his naughty smile.

"Arrrgghhh!" His face is getting closer and I can feel my cheeks already blushed.

You changed my world

I know that I'll be ok now, this time it's real

I lay my love on you, it's all I wanna do

Everytime I breathe, I feel brand new

You open up my heart, show me all your love and walk right through

As I lay my love on you

(Westlife)

Hhhmmm I will let my love live in fantasy because I know ..... It will never hurt me

If you remember when love was an ember about to billow

This is my dream, because only in my dream, i can embrace you. I will always remember that. Paradise is wonderful but being with you is more beautiful.

"Tara......wake up!!!"

I was startled to hear mom's voice. And once again i woke up from my miraculous dream.

At the airport.....

He held my hand and put a bracelet.

"I gave you a necklace once at your birthday, now I gave you this bracelet," He traced my ring finger.....

"someday, here, I wanna put a ring," His voice has the seal of a promise in it.

One hour!!! I felt like it has been a year. I was still sitting there. And he flew away to America to pursue his dreams.

Three years later.....

"Mark!!!" I screamed.

"Tara???" He surprised to see me here.

"Gosh! It's been three years, I haven't heard anything from you. I tried to call your cell, sent email to you, but you never replied me, not even once. I lost you."

"Huh??? Really?"

"I'm so sorry. I was busy with my study then my works too, so I don't have time to contact you. Sorry okay???"

I was so upset, "I wanna go home. It seems I don't know you anymore. You used to be my best friend. Now you are super busy person."

I wish he knew how I felt when he was away. How I missed him so much.

Mark.....

I cant imagine one day without making you happy, without spoiling you. But I know you only care about as your brother, not more than that. It made me suffer a thousand times. Then, I thought the only way for me to survive was to send you away from my life. I kept busy with my study and my works so I could stop thinking about you. Three years!!!! The more I tried to forget you, the more I felt loving you.

After meeting him......

I kept thinking about him. I couldn't sleep at all. And suddenly my cell was ringing. I saw Mark' name on my cell screen.

"Mark???" I called him in low voice.

"Can you talk to me?" His voice cracked.

"About what?"

"Anything! I can't sleep at all. I really wanna hear your voice."

How can we feel the same thing. Gosh! I missed his voice too, "I'll tell you something but you gotta close your eyes"

"Yup."

"Long time ago, I met a man. An awesome man, I've never thought that he could be my best friend eventually. He changed my life. Everyday I praise the Lord because He let me know him. When I was a little girl, He gave me happiness because of his beauty. When he's getting older, I can lean on him, he always be here for me, he did the best things for me and he knew how to make me smile again."

"Mark???" He didn't say anything. I though he's asleep. But I still wanna continue my story.

"Did he change now? Does he know that I have changed now? That I don't love him as my brother again. Am i too late? Does he still wanna do the best things for me? I love him." My tears shed.

Ten minutes later, I got a message on my cell. From Mark.

"He has never changed at all. He's still faithful. He still wanna do the best things for her."

I smiled. Tonight I know that I don't have to cry anymore.

I know God always gives us the best things in our life. Everything that happened in our life, there's God's hand works on it. We just need to believe and wait.

I miss your love

I miss the way you laugh

I miss the sound of your voice

I miss the way you talk

I miss your eyes

I miss the way you look at me

I've never thought I could feel this way

I do swear, I miss you........

(Alexa Key - Aku kangen aku rindu)

"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."

Now........

Here I'm. I looked around the hall. What amazing and pretty hall indeed. Over there, on the stage, I can see them. Beautiful bride and groom. I walked to the stage, smiled on my face.

"Congratulation!!" I said, but my voice cracked. I Looked straight in to his eyes, trying to tell him that I'm alright. I kissed my sister, felt happy for her. She finally can be together with the one that she loves so much.

I'm on the floor, counting one minute more

No one to break the silence

Staring in to the night

All alone, but that's alright

It's the feeling, deep inside, I don't like

This is where our journey ends

You're breaking my heart again.....

( Breaking my heart - MLTR )

Two days ago......

"You should come home, come to my wedding," His first message on my cell this morning.

"Give me a strength to get through this," His another message.

I looked out the window. It was raining out there. I opened the window. I felt the pouring rain on my hands. It has been two years, I haven't gone back home. Gosh, it was just like yesterday......

It's so very cold outside, like the way I'm feeling inside

I'm a big big girl, in a big big world

It's not a big big thing if you leave me

But I do do feel, that I do do will

Miss you much

I have your arms around me, warm like fire

But when i open my eyes, You're gone.....

( Big big world - Emilia )

Two years ago......

I went to my dad's office. During my school holiday, daddy let me help him in marketing. I was so happy because i can learn something new here.

"Keanu, here is Tiara, my youngest daughter. She wanna learn about marketing here for her school assignment," Daddy introduced me with his marketing manager.

First impression, He's cute like my teddy bear at home, hahaha

He's such a charming teacher. He taught me much about marketing. I love the way he treated me, like an angel standing next to me. I hardly believed it, you opened up my heart.

Everyone can see, there's a change in me

They all say I'm not the same kid I used to be

Don't go out and play, I just dream all day

They don't know what's wrong with me

And I'm to shy to say

It's my first love

What I'm dreaming of when i go to bed

When I lay my head upon my pillow

Don't know what to do.....

( First love - Nikka Costa )

Day after day, time passed away and I just can't get you off my mind. Till one day, i found a piece of paper between my marketing books. It said, "At the moment, she took my heart away. I let it go with her, but I keep waiting. Until she finds this and answer all my dreams someday ( To my one, T)"

" Oh My Goodness!!!"...........

"Am I answering your dream, Tiara?" Suddenly he was standing in front of me

""Huh? What?" I was so nervous

"Will you be my one?"

And I was freezing then melting like ice cream.........

_____________________________

Dinner in my house with Keanu and my family. Daddy said he wanted my sister to get married with Keanu, another freezing moment in my life. Nobody knows about me and Keanu. When people said there's no border in love, but actually there is. Our large different in age, made us keep our relationship in silence, waiting the right time to make other people can accept us. Daddy's words sounded like an undeniable statement.

I just knew that Keanu is a smart n talented employee in my dad's company. He started his career from low level there, but my dad paid for his school till he can finish his master degree abroad.

"Tiara, I.........." I put my finger on his lips.....

"Sssshhh!! I know what are you gonna say." I embraced him tight.

"I love you," He whispered

I Moved to another and continue my study there, because I know by staying away from him, I can give him and my sister a chance to be close to each other. That's the last thing that i can do for him and my sister, because they are the ones that I love. If my leaving can give happiness to them then I'll do it.

Tomorrow morning I have to leave

But wherever I may be

Best believe I'm thinking of you

I can't believe how much I love you

All we have is here tonight

We don't want to waste this time

Give me something to remember

Baby put your lips on mine

Just close your eyes and you'll be here with me

Just look to your heart and that's where I'll be.....

( Close your eyes - Westlife )

Now........

Late at night. The wedding was over an hour ago. Here I am, sitting near the pool, staring at stars in the sky. I can't sleep at all.

"Tiara???" I remember his voice.

"Hhhmmm, why are you here? Where's my sister?"

"She fell asleep, too tired, I guess.......How's your life?"

"I'm okay. I think, I should go inside......" He held my hand, still as warm as two years ago.

"I.......Never mind........Goodnight Tiara........" He sighed. I smiled at him.

Early in the morning i went to the airport, I sent a message on his cell.

I am very happy now and I want you to keep your promise to be the happiest man in the world

In his room Keanu read the message......."The happiest man ???......I'm still trying Tiara......" He grinned.

I gave my best to you

Nothing for me to do but have one last cry

One last cry before I leave it all behind

I gotta put you out of my mind

This time stop living lie

I guess I'm down to my last cry

I know I gotta be strong

Cause round me life goes on and on

I gotta dry my eyes right after I have my one last cry

( One last cry - Brian Mcknight)

Saying goodbye isn't the hard part, it's what we leave behind that's tough. They make you realize what you've had, what you've lost, and what you've taken for granted.